In an effort to thwart my theory, this Wednesday’s episode of Riverdale does not open with the voice we’ve become accustomed to hearing narrate for the last four years. Instead, the screen is black, with white text and silence. However, I still think this doesn’t add up. So silent opening screen be damned, I will not be fooled.

Betty receives an upsetting phone call from Yale. The person on the other end of the line lets her know that a seat has opened in the 2024 graduating class and they would like her to fill it. Presumptively, one might assume this seat is open because Jughead is dead. However, there is no way Yale would have gotten a death certificate so quickly anyway.

The documentary

In typical Alice fashion, she turns the supposed death of Jughead into a passion project documentary about “Murder in a Small Town.” Much of this episode includes one-on-one interviews with all the people in Jughead’s life. They share stories and sentiments about our beloved Juggie. Kevin’s insight is my most favorite because it sheds light on what might be the inspiration for Jughead’s faking his own death. Kevin said that one of Jughead’s favorite stories was “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.” Specifically, Jughead was obsessed with the chapter in which Tom fakes his own death to see how the people of his hometown would react to his passing.

The kiss

The kiss between Betty and Archie is another reason why I know all of this is fake. There is no way that Betty would kiss Archie so soon after his death. Those two have been down this path. In something written by Jughead though this would have to happen in order to drive a wedge between the lying trio. Veronica will have no reason not to come forward about what she really saw the night of Jughead’s death. Toni adding, “That’s right, you tell them girl,” after Veronica flips out, this continues to just solidify it is all fake. However, Kevin says that if anything proves Jughead is really dead, it is Betty kissing Jughead.

Girl, stop lurking

Stalker Donna shows up at Riverdale High, you know, the school that has absolutely no security measures at all, and she confronts Betty. She says that Jughead is still alive, but that Betty and Juggie’s sex life is far too good for them to stay apart for two hours, let alone two days.

Gah.

Donna follows Betty around and eventually sees her go into that weird bunker in the woods. She stupidly goes down into the bunker, thinking she will catch Betty and Jughead together, but instead, she finds Betty and Archie. 

Gah.

The next scene we see, however, is Archie in bed with Veronica. WHAT!? Ok, so the trio is definitely not impacted by any imaginary wedge, they are working together to rattle the Stonewood Preppies. Now I’m following, this definitely makes more sense. 

Ronnie, when will you learn? You are, now and forever, the only girl for me. 

I KNEW IT, HE’s ALIVE

See. 

I knew he was alive.

The happiness you can see on Betty’s face when Jughead pops up from the cot he has, apparently, been hiding under, it’s joy. 

So the Stonewall Preppies did try to kill Jughead. He does have a wound, but his beanie saved his life. Now the gang is trying to prove that they attempted murder.

THANK GOODNESS!

Although

I was wrong about one thing, this was never part of a fictional story he had written. 

She said ‘meddling’

Donna is psycho. I know this before she slaps Bret across the face, but did he really know it until that point? I’m not so sure.

“We still have a job to finish and a meddling girlfriend to pin it on.” To which Bret responds, “yes sir.”

The kid who helped kill Jughead, Jonathon, is dead now. Hermosa finds out that Donna is not who she says she is and whoever she really is, well, it makes Jughead pretty excited. 

Can’t wait for next week!

Watch again when the show comes back next Wednesday on The CW, or tune back in on The Painted Lines for our recap.