Parenting Advice From the Childless

The Painted Line’s very own Chris Deibler (@mrcrockpot) just had his first child, little Eva. Those of us who have yet to experience the miracle of life decided we can offer insightful advice on a proper upbringing.

What could go wrong?

Tom Stinson (@tomds215)

  1. Completely immerse your children in the culture and sports teams that you live by. Trick them into believing they have autonomy over their music, movies, and sports taste when you’re holding the cards the whole time. Shower them in gear from your favorite teams. This is especially true if your S.O is from a different city. This is a war you cannot lose.
  2. Dress your kids up in funny costumes as frequently as possible (as long as they’re relatively comfortable). I derive endless entertainment from babies dressed as adults. Extra points for including things that are particularly adult like alcohol, cigars, newspapers, earnings reports, etc. 
  3. Exercise and stay fit after having kids. Being in shape when your kids grow older is top end dad vibes. 
  4. No matter how young or old, make sure to read your kids the His Dark Materials book series and catch up on Season 2 of A Pod Has No Name.

 

Eva’s Godfather aka @dpfective

I’ve known Chris and Nicole for a long time, and as Eva’s self-proclaimed godfather, it is my job to make sure she grows up to be a badass:

  1. Take all the paternity/maternity leave you can take. In my experience, work and clients will always be there, but I assume Eva’s first smile won’t. If your company doesn’t offer leave, go find a new company.
  2. Soccer. I know Chris hates soccer, but Eva has to play soccer. Rapinoe will be her spirit animal, she will learn to DOOP, and Chris and Nicole will become Soccer Moms.

  1. Start saving for college because The University of Pittsburgh isn’t cheap! Actually, if Eva becomes a Top XI soccer player in PA, she can play for Pitt on a scholarship! H2P!!

Side Note to Tom’s suggestion regarding sports allegiances. If you push your child into favoring one team, they may rebel. So be very careful you don’t raise a Yankees fan or a Villanova fan. I know. Your kids should grow up to be whatever they want to be, but whoever said that didn’t raise a Nova fan.

  1. Wipe front to back. I hear that’s important.
  2. Prioritize Eva over work. Prioritize Eva over the Sixers. Prioritize Eva over Frozen 2. Prioritize Eva over everything. Your current life has ended, and that’s okay, but now you get to have a new life with Eva.
  3. And most importantly, have another kid. Do not let Eva be an only child. They grow up to be weirdos that start podcasts with their friend to discuss The Pixar-verse.

Congratulations Chris and Nicole! See ya at the Christening.

 

Jack Connell (@jackconnelltpl)

As the baby of the TPL family, I was eagerly asked to help provide some parental advice for Chris. Seeing as I was most recently a child (some say I still am) (Editor’s note:  you are), I thought I’d give a few tips. 

  1. Always be there for Eva, whether that means being at all her games if she’s an athlete or just being someone to talk to. Having that as a parent is unmatched, and it helps to have someone you can always go to to help you out or cheer you up. 
  2. Teach her how to fix stuff when she gets older. Being the child that has to hold the flashlight sucks, I think we all know that quite well, but teaching her along the way and showing her how to do it will set her heads above others as she gets older and has to do stuff on her own. 
  3. Chris, I’m sure this will never happen, but please don’t let Eva ever become a Cowboys or Celtics fan, for your sanity and mine. 

 

Ben Dunst (@bpdunst)

Given that I have no children of my own, I’d call myself a bit of an expert on the subject. First, name them something cool like Aquaman, or Secretariat, or Tim. Secondly, say no to everything they ever ask for. Not for any real reason. It just seems fun. Lastly, bask in the glow of never having to take the trash out or mow the lawn in a couple years. You saved yourself a lot of labor. That’s called an investment, baby. 

But in seriousness, I’ll try my hand here. Be as open as possible. Be as kind as possible. Be as present as possible. I know “I’m your parent, not your friend” is an industry staple, but sometimes a kid needs a parent, and sometimes a kid needs a friend. And one more thing – what I’ve always looked forward to is a little thing. One of my favorite things in the world is showing my favorite movies, shows, songs, everything to people who haven’t seen them before. You have a person who’s never seen anything before! Enjoy getting to do this over and over, until suddenly you’re out of touch and they’re the ones showing new stuff to you!